Jesus has truly broken my heart for the prisoners and the mentally ill and the marginalized. The people who do horrible things like kidnap three women and lock them in a house. The people who plan horrific deadly attacks on innocent victims. The people who make this world seem so scary to live in.
My heart is broken for them, because for the past five months, I’ve worked with those people. And they are human beings, who have never been loved, who have had disgusting things done to them, who haven’t learned how to be normal or how to not do those things.
I care so deeply for the kids I have worked with. And I thank God for the opportunity to learn in this way.
I’m so sick of people nit picking my “flaws” as a human being. Like me or don’t like me, but don’t yank me around like an abused puppy dog. All that I know is that I’m confident in the person God made me to be. I have an awfully big heart and an ability to love others. I’m not ashamed of that.
Why is it so freaking hard to make friends who genuinely like you?
i keep telling myself i’m gonna shower…
but it’s 8:00 PM
and still nothin.
I’m having one of those days when every single hateful and hurtful thing that has ever been said to me is going on a loop inside my brain
and
I’m
so
tired.
I feel so depleted. And defeated. And hopeless. And lost. And lonely.
I don’t know how to have healthy relationships with people. EVERYONE leaves me. They don’t know how to handle me.
I feel like I give
and give
and give
and give.
And everything is taken from me in every aspect of my life.
I go to work and give everything I have to care for those kids when they don’t give anything in return.
I come home and serve my child and give her every ounce of my love and affection.
I used to give everything I could to make my friends feel good, sending gifts and cards and doing things to show I care. And…nothing.
I used to give my heart to my dad continually and try to offer forgiveness even when it wasn’t asked from me. And
I
would
never
get
anything
from him.
Nothing is ever easy for me. NOTHING. For once, I would like to have a break from this Hell that I feel I’m living.
I’m depleted and defeated and exhausted and stressed and lonely and sad and pissed at the world.
That’s just the truth.
I visited Alpena this weekend to photograph a wedding and didn’t tell a soul I was coming. I ended up running into some old friends which was super fun and visited with some of my favorite people. Now Caleb and I are in Chicago getting ready to head to Elgin to start our training for Kenya!
Happy Easter!
Next week we leave to participate in the first step in the process of becoming missionaries in Nairobi, Kenya! We are heading to a town outside of Chicago to do a week long orientation through our sending agency International Teams.
I guess now is the time to be excited! :)
http://www.iteams.us/
My child is a thief.
A straight up thief.
She has been stealing money from us and hiding it in her room. Let me now mention that she is 4, going on 5, but we are a little concerned with her behaviors.
Lord, help us all.
I’m sad. I want ice cream. I don’t have any friends.
So we had another phone interview in regards to being missionaries in Kenya and it didn’t seem to go that well. I won’t talk too much about it here because they are going to be e-mailing us soon with a decision, but the woman interviewing us finished up the conversation by noting that I am resilient.
